I was not dumb. I was not blind. I did not blame anyone but myself.
My life's falling apart.
It started a long time ago, maybe. I thought it started the day Sora died. But now I think, maybe it was the day Rukia Kuchiki appeared. Rukia's my best friend, no doubt. She holds me up, to stand against the storm, like Tatsuki does—did, like Tatsuki did.
My bad.
I can see, bit by bit, day by day, as Michiru and Ryo and Mahana and everybody… I can see as they slowly drift away from me, talking about college and their lives while I haven't thought of anything. I don't know where I'm going, or what I'll do.
I can see as Sado-kun's quiet, yet totally happy persona fades away, leaving nothing but a scarred warrior left by the hands of the war.
I can see as Ishida-kun's somewhat condescending attitude towards people goes away, to an almost abnormal extent. It's not him, and I know sooner or later he'll succumb to his father's wishes and fade away from everybody, everything, becoming a mere pawn in the political game the working world plays.
I can see as Rangiku-san falls away from me, no longer the mother figure I once thought her as. She's a mere stranger, now. A somebody lost in the crowd of everybody's.
I can see as Kuchiki-san no longer is the teacher I'd always respected and loved, to an almost unfathomable sisterly level. She, like Rangiku-san, is lost, moving through the crowd. Or is it me who's moving? No, I think it's them. It's gotta be.
I can see as Kurosaki-kun leaves this world behind, leaving his family behind. Leaving me behind. But unlike his family, I haven't accepted it fully. Not yet, anyway. Maybe I never will. But he's moving, like everyone else, but unlike everyone, he's moving to someplace happier. He's moving to a place with Rukia, the woman he loves unconditionally. And if anyone will get Sado-kun and Ishida-kun out of their slump, it's him. It'll always be him. Always be them. Ichigo. Rukia. Them. An angel and a demon, finding love and comfort in one another. The sun and moon.
It will never ever be us. Him. Me. Us. A timid creature, which fears the demon inside, too fragile to see what's truly underneath, to see what the angel has already accepted. He is the sun. I, the rain.
I wonder if they remember me. Probably not, huh?
Who am I talking to?
My life is over.
I'm not afraid to admit it anymore.
I rather enjoy being alone. It gives me time to think. Think, think, think, think...
Being alone is fine, as long as I have myself to enjoy it with.
I loved my big brother. Sora.
I loved my best friend. Tatsuki.
I loved my protector. Sado.
I loved my confidant. Ishida.
I loved my mother. Rangiku.
I loved my mentor. Rukia.
I loved my rescuer. Kurosaki-kun... I mean, Ichigo. I loved Ichigo.
Loved.
Not love.
Not anymore.
I hate them all now. Hate them for leaving me behind, hate them for pitying me. Hate them for everything they did right.
I look at them, look at their wide, worried eyes with almost-disbelief. My face remains passive, though, and it takes every ounce of willpower I have to keep it that way. "I hate all of you." I say, and I'm happy at the reaction I get. Ichigo's eyes widen with horror. Ishida's do too, but he calms quickly, as if expecting this. Good. Believe it, Quincy. I am gone, now. Sado looks down, almost sorry. Rangiku's eyes well up with tears, but it's nothing compared to her reaction. My best friend, my mentor, my confidant, my rescuer, my sister. Rukia's face is priceless as she grabs my shoulders, shaking me.
"What do you mean?" She screams, so heartbroken. Traitor. Pick a side already, would you? Choose. Me, or Ichigo. Your sister or your lover. Choose, I dare you.
I am silent as she continues yelling, saying things like, "Are you insane?" or, "Wake up, wake up, wake up". She's my sister. And therefore, she's my friend.
But she's also my enemy.
I almost smile. Almost. Because I want them to believe this is a joke, if only a little. I want them to believe I still think nothing bad is going on, I want them to believe I'm still blissfully ignorant. But it won't last long. Things change, fate shifts, people disappear.
But I want them to believe. Just for a little while, I want to believe, too.
Then I'll wake up to reality.
A/N: Yes, she went a little loco there. Forgive me if it sucked. I could never get into the mind that is Inoue Orihime. And sorry it's so short!
-tsuki
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